i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
