smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
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Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
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Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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