Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
