a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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