Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
