Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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