i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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