"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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