If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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