Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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