Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
