I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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