Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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