evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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