my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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