I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
