this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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