Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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