Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Randomize
