Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
