Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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