My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
