i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
