She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
