new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
