Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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