having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You are a genius and a whore.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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