well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
