She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
