I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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