just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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