32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
