Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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