EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
