I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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