tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
