FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
