exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
