I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
