hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
