Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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