You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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