Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
