if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
His nipple licking is glorious
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