i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
