I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
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I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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