Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
