Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
