If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
