I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
