I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
