dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
