Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
