What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
