From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
