You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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