Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
