Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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