cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
